Bouncing Off of Clouds

In the fall of 2007, I started to die. Like all things in the late summer, I wilted and dried out. My heart broke and I fell hard against the ground. My fruit fell from the tree and rotted away to nothing. I boiled and cooked in the late summer heat and when autumn came my leaves all fell from their branches.

As the weather cooled and autumn came into full swing, my nights grew colder, so did my heart. I pulled the sap out of my barren branches and retreated into my shell. I finished gathering my food and exploring my emotional state and retreated before the heart of darkest night fell upon me.

In winter, I was much like the bear of who I am so fond. I curled up in my cave and hid from the bitter world outside. I retreated into myself, leaving friends behind, leaving family behind. I stopped taking care of myself and let the world move by without me. I had things to do in my cave, things that needed thought and emotion and introspection that I could not get from being in the outside world. To me, the world was dead and all that mattered was my cave.

When the ice broke over my cave, I began to venture out from my emotional hibernation. I stated to reach out again, to feel the spring sun warm my skin and to feast on newly grown life. In the wake of winter I was stunned to see how much time had gone by, how much time I had lost wilting and hibernating. The year was half gone and I had nothing to show for it. I felt clean in the early spring, free of the weight of detritus and tears. I was not only greeting the reborn world, but giving birth to myself again.

Spring was filled with revelations, realizations, acceptances, closures, and a renewed sense of self. The heartache was still familiar, but faded and not as significant. Life bloomed around me and I felt a struggle to keep caught up. Life could tell I was living again and it overwhelmed me and pushed me in different directions. There was a big storm in the spring, it rained for a few weeks, blocking out the glowing sun and leaving traces of the winter in it's wake. I was fearful of it's wrath and had to move to avoid getting caught under it's heavy emotional canopy.

When the storm passed, I felt alive, rejuvinated, and fully aware of myself. Fully alive.

As summer came into the world, I followed it with petals spread wide and lungs filled with clean breath. I see through clear focused eyes the skyline and the overgrown path that is hard to follow. And I am happy to wander off the path and away from the map. I follow the season and the spirit and a renewed sense of my whole person.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. That same flower that smiles today, tomorrow may be dying. But what they don't tell you is that the flower will bloom again and again and again. As long as you let it.

I feel like I am in bloom and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am open to all that life has to give me.

The change of seasons in me is complete. I have seen my life follow the tide of the earth and I am the better for it.

The next post will be the last post I put up on Cloudbouncer. I will leave this up for a bit, but I got what I needed from this journal. I think it's time to retire it and get back to what's important. I may keep it for a while, get everyone to move over here as my primary journal. I'm not paid any more, so that's a thought. New icons, new everything. Mmmm. I'll have to think on that.

What a crazy ass journey the last year has been. IT's not over, but I can see the finish line. It's within view.

New job- check
submitting writing for publication- check
weight lossed, muscle gained- check

first date with a girl I can see myself being involved with.... check

I've got my first date tonight with the first girl I've thought could be something solid since August.  I'm totally scared shitless. I don't know why I'm freaked out. I've been on a few dates up to this point. But this one has be nervous.

At least I'm dating. That's something, right? 

 I visited the valentines group today on a whim. I just wanted to see some love going around this time of year. There will be none for me this year, so I am trying to find primarily self love and to remember that a heart must be open to let someone in.

I found this.

Ben
I feel sure you won't look here as you don't believe in Valentine's, so I can tell you how much I miss you without fear of mockery.

I know you aren't coming back; this isn't a plea. It's simply that there's such a hole in my life without you and the wind blows through it. I can't breathe. My love always... 


It was posted anonymously. I found myself wishing that it had been written for me. 

I nearly replied to it, even, to say as much.

It kind of made me sad.

This is stupid.... but I really wanted to say "if this was intended for me, call".

Stupid, eh?

This will be the last post I put up here that deals with the past. Opportunities have knocked and gone unanswered. Time has passed and clarity has been reached. Things have been learned and actions have been understood. Before I close the door forever on this piece of my life, before I wipe the slate clean and try to start again, I want to say something to you...

I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you



I'm sorry. I love you. Goodbye.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I was going to do this long entry about how it's been four months since she left me. But that seems pointless. Instead I turn to the Foo Fighters, for the words that best describe how I feel now.

Where you off to with that head of yours?
Is there somewhere you should be?
Was it something that I said the time I held you down
And told you it's not you, it's only me?

What you up to now your mirror is gone?
Is there someone you should be?
Did you think I was just fooling around with you?
But, honestly....But, honestly....

And tonight I thank the stars
As I count my lucky scars
Everything you've given me
All the words I've given you
Something borrowed, something blue
If you want them back...

I'll give it to you.
I'll give it all to you.
I give it to you

 I woke up this morning and realized something. 


I hadn't thought about Ginger in several days. Not just several hours... but several DAYS!

I think the NANO crunch as well as anticipation of other things going on in my life took a lot of pressure off of the past. I also have recently been trying not to worry so much about the past or the future but to put effort on being present in the present. Focus being present shaving, on being present lifting, focus on being present while writing for Nano.

It's not even been four months yet, but things are fading away. It's amazing how our bodies let us heal from wounds. I think my dad put if best.

"sometimes you have to slip to the very bottom before you can start to look up."

I think I did that. When I nearly killed myself over this, when I found myself at the lowest of the lows, I think I was at the very bottom. Now, I'm climbing out. I can see the light again, I can see the end of the tunnel. And you know what, the hole that I fell into isn't nearly as deep as I first made it out to be. 

She's fading from me, just like I knew she would, just like everyone told me she would.

I still miss her at times, but they are infrequent and likely more a response to being lonely. I still love her at times and those times hit me hard but go away quickly, like an earthquake.

My life is back on track... in fact it's probably more ON track than it has been in a year. I feel alive, envigorated and refreshed. I am finally seeing things clearly.

Between my therapist, nano, and just living for the moment and being present in my life, I'm nearly over the break up and nearly over her.

What a difference 50,000 words makes. And.. for those you doubt.... time really does heal.

 Benjamin,

I know that you are hurting right now. I can feel it from you. You have been doing so well. Keeping your head afloat during these difficult times. I think you have been so healthy and positive in your approach to things. But I feel you slipping back into old ways today. I wanted to send you this little note as a pep talk. As something positive for you to look at in the future.

Two years ago today, Ben, your life changed. Do you remember how excited you were to have finally met someone with not only chemistry, but with real potential for a long term relationship. That fated Friday night you got home with amazing jitters in your stomach and the sense that at long last you had found someone worth being with. She was sweet, beautiful, and she made you feel so good. Do you remember the way her smile put butterflies in your stomach? I know I do, it was magical.

But it was also not the first time you had ever felt that way. Nor were the feelings of overwhelming joy you experienced the first time you told her that you loved her outside of Trail Dust a few months later. Nor were the feelings you got when you picked her up from the airport after her trip to vegas. Also, the feelings you got when it was over, you've felt those before, too. 

I know that today marks something important to you. Today was the day you were going to ask her to be your wife. It was a big day for you and though she never knew it, at least not that you could tell, it didn't quite go the way you wanted it to. But that's ok, my friend. You would have been with her for two years today and I can tell that you are feeling sad because she's not by your side.

I know better than anyone that you were heartbroken when she left. I know what you felt and what you went through. I know how frustrating it was to lose her and to feel the relationship falling out of control. I know how miserable you were when it was all over. I know about the scar on your knees from falling hard onto that crappy carpet and about shaving your head out of grief and about all of the thoughts that went on in your mind. I know that you still look at passing Ford rangers hoping for a glimpse of her, even though you know it's not her truck.

She will be with you forever. I know that. Susie is still in your life. So is Tawnya and Tracy and even Kira. Though you don't always talk to any of the people from your past, they are part of what makes you who you are. 

It's ok to be sad today. Today was something you were eagerly looking forward to 4 months ago. Do you remember the sensation you got when you first decided that you were going to propose? You couldn't stop smiling, because the idea of being in love with her forever made you happy. So, now that she's gone, it's ok to grieve. It's ok to feel like you lost something, because you did. Somone very special to you is no longer in your life, you are bound to grieve. She was your best friend, your lover, and the love of your life while she was here.

I want you to feel sad and to reflect. But don't let yourself get caught up in the depression or the loss that you feel. Instead, be sad that something you loved has passed before it was fully realized. It's ok to be sad for that, you shouldn't be afraid to feel. I know you want it to go away, but it never will. The memory will always remain.

But while you are sad today, look at all of the things in your life that are good. Sure, your love life is in the shitter now. But look around you. To start with, look at Ginger. To the best of your knowledge, which I know is not much, she is happy. You have always wanted her to be happy, so look past the grief of losing her and be happy that she is happy. It's not much, but you have said many times that you just want her to be happy. So let her be happy, let her smile, let her be a sun, even if it is in somone elses sky. It's ok, she's ok, she deserves it, you know it. Don't be sad that she's not happy with you, be happy that she is spreading her joy to the world around her. You loved her compassion and joy before, continue to love it, even if it's not yours. Believe what you said about how amazing a person she is. She is destined to have a positive effect on peoples lives. Be happy that she is spreading that positive effect to others, doing her part to enrich the world.

Look at yourself, now. You have really blossomed since she left. Sure, you get down still, but look at the good things you are doing. For starters you and your dog spend a lot of time together. You've taught her to swim and how to fetch very well and you take her to the dog park on a regular basis. What was it that person said to you today? "Man, I wish my dog was as well behaved as yours, she's very well trained". That's a tribute to you. You've lost nearly 35 lbs and are now at the gym 5 days a week. You look lean, cut almost, and feel so much better physically than you ever have. Can you believe that you are almost at your college weight again?? All those years of beer drinking are finally shedding off of your frame. You have always been attractive, but now you are fit, too. It's amazing. If you keep this up, you will see such amazing change in yourself.

Look at what you are doing to improve yourself. Not only are you getting into amazing shape, but you have started seeing a therapist to deal with the deeper issues. Even though she has said that you are mostly ok and may not need her sessions, she has been very helpful. You are already feeling better about yourself and have really addressed some of the problems you have. All this in only 5 sessions! You have laid out some goals to consider, some plans to make and you are moving towards getting out of the situation you are in. You were offered another job, have leads on many more and are even up for a big promotion at work. Professionally, you've been very active and are making positive changes to your career. You have been actively writing again, which is something you haven't done in a long time. Your desire to do NaNoWriMo spread to friends and family alike and you were a catalyst in making that happen. How much have you loved writing again?? You've been playing your fingers off on the guitar and are even thinking about going to open mic nights on wednesdays! What's stopping you? Fear? Quit being afraid and grab the bull by the horns. You have really taken this break up as an opportunity to improve yourself even more. 

Look at life around you and all of the magic and curiosity that you were blind to after Ginger left you. Your sister is having a baby!! Every time you think of it it puts a smile on your face. Your parents are doing great, healthy and happy. You have reconnected with a very important friend from your past in Greg. You've started spending time with Ben again, which is especially noble of you, considering how that friendship ended. Of course there are still awkward times. Things with John will need work, but he's still your friend. Andrea has been very supportive of you and you have been blinded to it because of your own guilt. She cares for you, and you have been trying to forgive yourself for hurting her. Jeremy and Jaime got married and it was a beautiful event. They are happy and you are happy for them. Friendships you thought you had lost are all around you and new ones are blossoming.

Remove yourself from your environment for just a minute. Look inside of yourself and see yourself as I see you. For starters, you are still the same compassionate, loving, kind, gentle man that you have always been. In fact, what happened at the end of things only re-inforced to you how important it is to you to be that way. You have been spreading your love and kindness all around you whenever possible. With Ginger, you even were willing to commit to a serious relationship... something we both know you have been afraid of for years and has been hard for you to deal with. In her, though, look at all that you learned. You learned so much about what it means to make a relationship work. So much about the give and take of living with someone and though things fell apart, you learned from that too. 

I don't think you are really as bad off as you think. She did leave, but she was justified and unhappy. I know you wish it could have been a different way, but all things happen for a reason. She was perfect for you for as long as you were together, but think back on the doubts you had about her and the things that she did that drove you nuts. I am confident that you will meet someone who gives you all of the things that she did and much more. You deserve it. Your future is not written. So continue living life to the fullest, like you have been. Have adventures, experiences, and continue on the journey. In the end, you will be better for it. You already think back on the relationship fondly, with only limited bitterness. Hold onto that and be at peace with your life. 

It's ok to grieve her today. It's ok to miss the relationship and to wish for days gone by. But it's done now and you know that. Remember that you are getting over her, pushing past all the bullshit and drama that surrounded you. Be glad that you made a choice to stay distant from her because even the pieces of information you have gotten by rumor and word of mouth hurt you. Remember that some of the things that she said and did were out of anger and know yourself. You are not abusive. You are not a stalker. You are not violent. You ARE loving. You are COMPASSIONATE. You are KIND. You are WONDERFUL. And you are HUMAN. You are entitled to human emotions of loss, guilt, grief, love, passion, intimacy, trust, betrayal, anger and everything else that comes with it.

She was aweful towards you at the end. She treated you terribly. She made you wonder if she ever loved you at all. Remember that as you grieve today. But don't dwell on it.

Today, grieve all you want. Cry all you want. Feel as aweful as you possibly can. Miss her. Miss the relationship, the love, the passion and goofiness. Miss the chemistry and the beauty and all of the things that made you what you were with her.

Tomorrow, you must get back to where you were. Let go again, say farewell to bad memories and thoughts. Continue to move forward. It doesn't matter how fast you do, you can crawl on all fours, you can baby step, you can run and leap and scamper, but keep moving forward.

The relationship failing does not mean you loved her any less. It's ok to feel guilty for what happened. But you must let the love go and you must forgive yourself and her for what happened.

You are loved by many, including me. Don't forget that. Be yourself, be the amazing man that you are and things will happen to you. Never forget that I love you very much and that you are the most important person in the world to me.

I love you and no matter what happens, I will be by your side. 

All the love in the world,

Yourself.

I've been thinking about things a lot lately. About what happened and about how the end of the relationship came and went so quickly. About things that had been said and about the things that were done. I realized something very important.

1) She made me really happy. The relationship was amazing, it was full of love, full of happiness and we had a very rare, very special kind of passion for each other. I have no doubt that such a love only comes around once in a while and that it will be a good long time before I find someone like that again. She was without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me and I am so thankful, so rediculously grateful for that. Even the memory of how great this was just gets me all giddy. I will love her always and I will eventually have nothing but fond memories of what happened. I still hurt, but that's normal. I am trying to focus only on the good. On the fact that I have been lucky enough to know her and that we shared what we had together. I don't want to remember how it ended, because that is not what made us. What made us great was who we were together. And for the time that we were together, there were no two people more in love than we were with each other.

2) I am happy that she has moved on and that she is living her life away from me. I hope that she finds what she's looking for. I hope she finds an amazing love again. I hope that the wounds she is feeling and the pain of our relationship heal for her. I hope that she can remember what I said about number 1 and look back on me fondly someday. All I've ever wanted is for her to be happy. With or WITHOUT me. That's no less true now than it was 3 months ago, a year ago, or nearly 2 years ago when we first met.

3)  I owe it to myself to take care of my business. I made some critical mistakes, some things that I never want to do again. I was a different person than I really am at the end of it all. I became someone different than myself. I hate that person. That person needs a bullet in them to put them out of their misery. I fucked up bad. I messed things up really terribly. I'm going to this therapy to make sure I get my shit together. God, I am freaked out about it. But there are two things that I need from this. I need guidance to help me continue to get over her and over the break up. I need guidance and counseling so that I can get past what I did and then make sure that I dont' make the same mistakes the next time loves comes my way. I don't ever want to lose my temper that way again. I don't ever want to feel so desperate that I betray someones trust like that again. I dont' ever want anyone to see me the way she saw me again. I haven't been sure of things for a while. Seeing this therapist is the only thing I know for sure is the right thing.

I feel good. I really feel like things are happening in the world around me. I feel like the universe is aligning to make things right and to make things better. More than anything, I can clearly see just how much she meant to me and just how wrong she was for me. As sad as it is right now, the end of this all was one of the best things to happen to me. A friend of mine told me that there would be no closure from her, that the way she left demanded that I find my own closure. There is a song by incubus that describes what I've come to see recently in the way only song lyrics can...

"I haven't felt the way I feel to day in so long it's hard for me to specify. I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb. Pins and Needles. Nice to know you.... Goodbye"

It was nice to love you.... Goodbye

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads - heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that its all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit